Dumb Pants (Dot Com)

A lot of what happens at work occurs because a group of us were joking around and one of us just happens to be bored or childish enough to act on a joke or idea. That’s pretty much how my boyfriend, Colin Rigley, wound up putting together DumbPants.com on his lunch break a couple days ago. Absurdity ensued. I figured I might as well get a blog post out of the ridiculousness. So, what follows is an exclusive Q&A with the founder, and CEO I guess, of DumbPants.com. Because sometimes you just have to embace life’s absurdity.

I should add that the photos are screengrabs from DumbPants.com, which are all photos of our coworkers that Colin trolled from Facebook, and everyone thought the joke was pretty funny–though no one thought it was funnier than Colin, who’s wearing the dumb pants on the right in the first photo. (I’m the one wearing the brown pants he makes fun of.)

JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES What’s the origin of DumbPants.com? Did this really stem from someone telling you that your pants were dumb? Or was this caused by some greater childhood trauma?

Screen shot 2014-12-02 at 2.41.49 PMDUMBPANTS One time this guy, I can’t remember his name—and I’m not 100-percent sure of the other details, either—criticized my pants. He may have criticized my socks first, then my pants, but that’s beside the point.

So I said to him, “Your pants are dumb.” Then I threatened to create a website to let everyone know how dumb his pants were, are, and forever will be.

Wait. Never mind. Startup stories always sound better when they’re in a garage. Don’t print that last part; that was all off the record.

So I’m standing in my garage, doing important grownup things, and Steve Jobs walks by with Bill Gates, and I was all like, “Hey Steve and Bill! Nice pants, NOT!” And they were totally burned and humiliated, then a bunch of supermodels asked if I wanted to show them how to kiss good, and I was like, “Psssh! No duh!”

And that’s the story of how I showed all the hottest supermodels how to French kiss.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES How do you determine if a pair of pants qualify as dumb? Is there a Screen shot 2014-12-02 at 2.40.43 PMcommittee or team of fashion experts that decides?

DUMBPANTS I’m a one-man team of fashion experts.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES How should people who find themselves on DumbPants.com feel? Flattered? Offended? Concerned? How have they reacted so far?

DUMBPANTS They should feel like they just got a hot poker to the crotch. It’s hard to say how they’ve reacted so far, because I’m too busy being a superstar. Have you heard the story of how I taught supermodels the best way to unhook their bras?


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES Are you accepting submissions from the public?

DUMBPANTS The only submission I accept from the public is when they submit to me in battle because I just totally pwned them and their pants.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES Is DumbPants.com a reaction to the perceived commercialization of Christmas?

Screen shot 2014-12-02 at 2.41.21 PMDUMBPANTS That’s a loaded question. Besides, Santa’s pants are a bunch of idiots.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES Where do you see DumbPants in one year? In five years?

DUMBPANTS In one year: on the cover of Forbes. In five years: as the owner of Forbes.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES What era or decade of pants would you most like to have curated DumbPants.com in?

DUMBPANTS Pre-colonial Guatemala.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES What’s your next step? Are you hoping to make this a commercial Screen shot 2014-12-02 at 2.41.08 PMendeavor?

DUMBPANTS I’ve got a guy writing a song for dumb pants. He’s like really popular, you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you, but I can’t tell you because he told me not to say anything since he’s so famous and everything. But I totally showed him how to unhook bras like a boss, and now he’s real good at making out with bikini models.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES Can you discuss the elitism inherent in the term “Dumb Pants”?



JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES Do you see yourself as the next Mark Zuckerberg?

DUMBPANTS Mark Zuckerberg sees himself as the next me.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES If you decide to expand the DumbPants.com team to more than just Screen shot 2014-12-02 at 2.40.58 PMyourself, who would you most like on your team? Who would you most like to make fun of pants with?

DUMBPANTS Michael Jordon, Marky Mark Wahlberg, Tony Hawk, Luke Perry, Cindy Crawford, Tyra Banks.



JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES Are you concerned that your friends and family are just going to stop talking to you at some point?

DUMBPANTS Nah. Parents are lame.


JANEEYRELIKESCUPCAKES Is there anything you’d like to add?

DUMBPANTS This interview was dumb. If this interview was pants, it’d be capri pants because they suck.


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