Parents, hide your daughters: Magic moments with Maeva

It has now been more than six months since I last worked with Maeva. Fortunately, thanks to Facebook, I still get to hear about her daily battles with Bill Murray (her cat), her wardrobe, lids of Nutella jars, and other shameful moments most people would just try to forget.

But Maeva is a true artist, and true artists create something beautiful from the pain. With her permission, I pulled these gems from her Facebook page, sticking only to posts from 2014 because there was just too much comedic fodder otherwise:

March 10:

To Bill Murray the cat: As much as I love laying down a track of double sided tape in front of the door to keep you from starting gang fights with neighborhood cats at 12am (something you promptly outsmarted me on by screaming from the counter next to the front door), I am almost positive that the swordfish I tried to expand my culinary horizons with last night has given me a really fun bout of bacterial food poisoning and I would love to get at least and hour of sleep before I have someone commit me to either the hospital or the nut house. Signed, Sleepless In Shell Beach.

March 7:

I’ve got Nutella on my face and a song in my heart.

March 6:

I’d like to give a personal shout out to Bill Murray the cat for barely flinching this morning when I threw up on him a little bit in the bathroom. I would also like to thank the makers of Verapamil, Anaprox, Toradol, and Zorfran; you’re doing the lord’s work, big pharma- don’t let dissenters or PETA get you down- I’m willing to live in your test lab cage. I’d like to thank Kristy the nurse, who tried very hard to contain herself at the site of my Cookie Monster-themed underwear as she gave me a series of injections in the hindquarters. And finally, I would like to thank god for giving me a body that only a publishing company could love.

March 4:

Just drank yesterday’s Red Bull and used the long sticker I forgot to take off the new jeans I’m wearing in public to remove two different kinds of cat hair from my shirt. You too can achieve these dreams by going to college.

March 3:

Aileen leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks. That means one of you is now responsible for sending me a daily text reminder to put pants on before work.

Feb. 24:

Beyonce’s “Drunk in love” is either about adult relations or my love of Nutella. Can’t decide.

Feb. 21:

Things I’ve said to the cat this morning:
“Don’t eat the masking tape! It’s for the living room fort I’m building.”
“These don’t look like underwear so I can probably go outside in them.”

Feb. 13:

Just heard the “Fireball” song for the first time. Pretty sure that when you combine the lyrics, “Twerk, Twerk,” and “Fireball puts the good girls on the pole” in under thirty seconds, it creates a mating call familiar only to Juggalos. I saw a National Geographic episode on it once.

Feb. 12:

In case you’re wondering how to reach level 100 Crazy Cat lady: get taken to a winery, 1899923_10153814238280581_391966415_nmake friends with the winery cat, spend 6 minutes explaining to said winery cat that you have to leave to take a tour. Resort to prying it off of your lap. Feel overwhelming remorse and guilt, try to find the cat later by wandering around the vineyard yelling out “I’m sorry Wine Cat! Come back!”

Jan. 31:

Me: You know, if I didn’t have people in my life reminding me how to dress, I’d wear a stained T-shirt and basket ball shorts every day.
Mom: That’s because you’ll always be the feral 4-year-old boy that we found outside.

Jan. 27:

Leaving work I thought a cat started to follow me to my car. It turned out to be my shadow. That’s some next level crazy cat lady sh*t.

Jan. 26:

Work= pants. Pants = sadness.

Lest you mistake my interest in Maeva’s antics as unwillingness to write my own post, stemming from laziness, here is a list with links to some of my favorite Maeva moments, documented on this blog:

1. That time we kidnapped Bill Murray (her kitten) and did a photoshoot with him for her housewarming present.

2. That time we stuffed her girlfriend into a fake cake for her going away party.

3. That time she gave me a Bill Murray mousepad and cat backpack for my 30th birthday.

4. That time she and her girlfriend Aileen spent New Year’s Eve at a drag show called Meow Mix in San Francisco with Colin and I.

5. That time she showed up at my house dressed as an elf, with her girlfriend dressed as Santa with a stocking full of Christmas presents.

6. That time she wrote a heart-breaking Christmas story about a guy working in the morgue on Christmas Eve.

7. That time she made bow ties for my cats so they could visit Santa in style.

8. That time she babysat my cats for a week and a half while I was in Peru.

9. That time she threw on a horse head and camouflage and attacked larpers with us.

10. That time she learned she had a disease that would one day physically prevent her from writing and handled it like a champion.

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