13 Fake Couples Way Better Than the Real Thing

I don’t much care for Valentine’s Day. I like chocolate. Quite a bit actually. And I like flowers. I’ve got a garden full of them. I just don’t like the traditional boy-girl dinner and a movie social interaction. Actually, I like dinner. And movies, too. It’s hard to explain, or would be if I were alone in my anti-Valentine’s Day sentiment, but I am not.

You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love till it kills you both. You’ll fight and you’ll shag and you’ll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.                                      -Spike, referring to Buffy & Angel

Instead of trying to explore or explain my disdain for this stupid holiday, I’ve opted to create a list of my favorite fictional couples (because fictional love is always so much more satisfying than the real thing, for a number of reasons, chief among which is the fact that you don’t see many fictional couples sweeping the floors or cleaning up cat vomit). It was supposed to be a top 10 list, but I discovered there were just too many incredible (fake) couples for that.

Everything we do is a choice. Oatmeal or cereal, highway or sidestreets, kiss her or keep her. We make choices, and we live with consequences. If someone gets hurt along the way, we ask for forgiveness, it’s the best anyone can do.                                                                                               -Ned, Pushing Daisies

1. Buffy & Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) First love, man, there’s nothing that hurts quite like it. So3385920_9b2c688c-2e20-467a-a5d3-52d2bd40aa5d-buffy---angel the notion of a vampire boyfriend transforming into a monster who tries to kill you and your family is actually a pretty apt metaphor for first love.

2. Maggie & Joel (Northern Exposure) After countless seasons of “when will they”—the slightly more informed cousin of “will-they-won’t-they”—Maggie and Joel finally got down. In a barn. During a fight. And the rest of their hqdefaultrelationship proceeded just as haltingly and weirdly. Their inevitable demise was not over something melodramatic, like cheating or some other television nonsense. Maggie called it quits because Joel exhausted her and it felt so much like life. When he saw the New York skyline while they were on their quest, and invited her to come along and she said, with tears in her eyes, that she couldn’t, well, I think I felt their pain more than they did.

3. The Pie-Maker & Chuck (Pushing Daisies) Nothing like overcoming the fact that you can’t touch the ned_chuck_ep1person you love. Or, if you do, you’ll kill her because you were responsible for bringing her back to life in the first place and there’s a rule in place that you can’t touch someone you’ve brought back to life. But that’s what saran wrap is for, right? And romantic rooftop apiaries. And one hundred other unforgivably old fashioned romantic gestures.mark_helprin_300x452

4. Peter Lake & Beverly Penn (Winter’s Tale) Read it. And don’t you dare watch the movie.

5. Bill & the Bride (Kill Bill) Love is a battlefield, right? So what’s more romantic than kill-bill-2-4-560x373a couple that can’t live while the other survives. Of course, we’re rooting for the Bride. She holds our sympathy. But when she deploys the five point palm exploding heart technique and Bill, realizing he’s about to die, asks her how he looks and she replies, with tears in her eyes, that he looks ready, it never fails to get me all choked up.What that says about my romantic sensibilities, I’d rather not think about.

6. Anne Shirley & Gilbert Blythe (Anne of Green Gables) From the second she cracked her slate over aogglmmhis head when he called her carrots in school, I was rooting for Anne and Gilbert. And while I have to admit that she did a freaking fantastic job of running from what was brutally obvious to everyone else, it was pretty damned satisfying when he finally got her.

7. Severus Snape & Lily Potter (Harry Potter and the Deahtly Hallows) “After all this Lily-and-Snape-as-childrentime?” “Always.” Those five words utterly killed me. I’ve always been a sucker for unrequited love. It’s the best kind, the only kind that’s utterly pure, unfettered by human limitations and nastiness. And damn if Snape didn’t turn out to be perhaps the most sympathetic character of the entire series.

8. Luke & Lorelai (Gilmore Girls) For the fans of love hidden in plain sight. Actually, not even hidden. Just there. You know, all the friends are rooting for and expect it, and yet, somehow, it’s still satisfying when it finally happens even though nothing is ever as good as you think it will be.

9. Buffy & Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) I don’t care that three or four seasons in I would have 700fullscoffed at such a turn of events. Actually, ignore that. The fact that I would have scoffed at Buffy and Spike earlier on is just evidence of how bizarre and unlikely love is. From the outset it was never supposed to be Buffy and Spike, but Spike’s devotion to her changed that. And, to be perfectly honest, I think a lot of us carry around the desire for that one freaking person who will always think the world of us, defend us against any and all odds, and never give up on the possibility that maybe, just maybe, one day, we’ll love them back. Is it healthy? Hell no. But Buffy and Spike’s relationship was never about being healthy and normal. It was about intensity and passion and, to a certain extent, redemption.LittleWomen6

10. Laurie & Joe (Little Women) Don’t care that it never actually happened, never bought that Laurie and Amy crap. Lalalala. Sticking my fingers in my ears. In a perfect world, it would have been Jo March and Laurie Laurence till the bitter end.

11. Nynaeve al’Meara & Lan Mandragoran (Wheel of Time). She pulls her braid. He kicks so much ass, it’s impossible to describe. She’s a talented healer, he’s a skilled warrior. It took way too long for it to happen, but given that this is the Wheel of Time series, I’m just impressed they didn’t wait until the final book for it to fall into place.

12. Carl & Ellie (Up). While I was putting this list together, I realized I didn’t really have any older couples (mostly owing to the fact that many of the couples on the list either never really got together or tried to kill each other, which just goes to show you how fucked up my sense of romance is). I started racking my brain for an older couple whose relationship I appreciated, and this instantly came to mind. The fact that it was a tale of true love and loss told in a mere five minutes and mostly without words just makes the tale all the sweeter.

13. Wally & Eve (Wally) Again, a relationship mostly built on chirps and sweet gestures. It’s frankly kind of refreshing, how innocent it all is.

And, if anyone needs a palate cleanser from the relentless, obnoxious sentimentality, here are some candy hearts that Colin modified–a nice little dose of reality to counteract the fictional hearts and flowers.

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